Globetrotting Gal

If you doubt that people do, in fact, love assholes, just take 2 minutes to scroll through your social media feed. You’ll find endless memes on brilliantly titled accounts like “I dated that douche,” and woeful TMI updates from your recently ghosted friends.

By the way, when I use the word “asshole,” it’s gender-neutral (though we all know which way it skews ;). It also encompasses all the new, fancy words we use for assholes, which include but are not limited to:

• Narcissist
• Sociopath
• Psychopath
• Dismissive Avoidant
• Anti-Social Personality
• Cluster B Personality

Please feel free to add your own in the comments :).

What Makes Someone An Asshole?

As a recent psychology grad and ex-girlfriend to no less than 4 jumbo-sized assholes, I consider myself an expert hobbyist on the subject. People become assholes for many reasons, usually a combination of:

• Childhood trauma, such as abuse or abandonment
• Genetic predisposition (some people are naturally less emotionally in tune than others)
• Scorned by a lover
• Deep insecurity and a need for validation or attention
• Thrill-seeking, often due to dopamine deficiency
• Addiction / addictive behavior
• High testosterone levels

In case you live in a cave, here are the main characteristics of grade-A assholes:

• Lacking empathy for others, especially those closest to them
• Selfish AF
• Opportunistic
• Inflated sense of self (We see something resembling Leo DeCaprio’s 2023 version, they look in the mirror and see the 1998 version.)
• Deceitful
• Malicious
• Entitled

Anyone who’s dated an asshole knows there is a common pattern where they swoon over you until you fall for them and then slowly start to treat you like shit. This leads you to become anxious, confused, and insecure. Thus giving them a reason to blame you for everything while they look for a new supply.

And in 2023, we all know they have a multitude of places to look. In fact, social media and dating apps (aka human gaming systems) have really made it easy for people who are naturally only slightly-asshole inclined to become super-sized assholes.

Quick sound bite on why we lose interest in our partners when we spend too much time on apps.

Ps. You are NOT crazy. Don’t ever let anyone call you that. I know that women tend to be peacekeepers, but sometimes keeping the peace means showing a man the door.

Why Do We Love Assholes?

Like any sensitive and caring person who has ever loved an asshole, I’ve given this question a lot of thought. I’ve also done a fair amount of research. But ultimately, the one that resonates with you is the story you believe personally.

1. They loved us in the beginning and we want that good feeling back
2. We feel a trauma bond with them. In other words, we were treated badly by someone or multiple someones in our past, and the pain they offer us feels so familiar we mistake it for love.
3. We literally become addicted to assholes. They give us a little bit of love inconsistently, which creates a similar high to taking a drug, followed by a withdrawal period.
4. In the case of male assholes – They have high levels of testosterone, making them biologically very attractive to females.
5. We want to supply them with the love they seem to be lacking.
6. We don’t love ourselves enough to see that we deserve better.
7. They go for everyone, and therefore we are more likely to get involved with one based on their door-to-door salesman approach.
8. We move too quickly into relationships or have a sense of lack/scarcity mindset.

Which one is your favorite? Please add your own pathetic excuses for loving assholes in the comments :).

Tips for Moving On After Being Tripped-Up by an Asshole

A good majority of us have been there. Here are my tried and true tips for getting over it PDQ.

• Cut them off completely. Your inner circle should only include people that lift you up.
• Let yourself be angry, but not for too long. Remember, they are not wasting energy on you, so don’t waste your precious energy on them.
• When you get lost in memories of the “good times,” remember that was your reality. Honor it, mourn them, love them from afar. But never mistake your reality for theirs. (This article on narcissistic love summarizes it well.)
• Do things you love that are active — dancing, art, time with friends.
• Find a therapist or a friend who can validate what you’re feeling.
• Be grateful that they are no longer in your life! They can’t hurt you anymore.
• Write your thoughts in a journal.
• Spend time in nature. Exercise.
• Pamper yourself.

Every time you walk away from an asshole, you’re choosing you! And that’s empowering. Even if they walk away from you, it’s empowering to let them go. I like to keep a gratitude journal and write down the 4-5 things I’m grateful for every day. This really helps with improving my mood.

Be careful not to indulge in too many YouTube videos that would have you stay in victim mode. Opt for self-compassion and meditation instead. Here is one of my favorite meditations on letting go by Tara Brach :).