As an anthropology student, I remember learning about the “culture shock” many experience when going abroad. So arriving in France for the first time, I was prepared for the challenges that might come my way. Ready with the resilience of naive youth. That semester was easy though. If culture shock was a thing, I could have never guessed it. Surrounded by the Alps, handsome young Scandinavian men, and kind teachers, I felt as cozy as ever. (Hell, I never wanted to leave!)
Let’s fast forward to 2023. I’m a single woman in my early 40s moving to Portugal on a residency visa. Relocating is no longer “new” to me, as I’ve done it a few times before. I even took on the mighty challenge of living alone in Asia! So I think to myself, “I’ve got this.” Boy, was I wrong. It wasn’t long before anxiety and depression moved into my sublet apartment. Rekindling old friendships from my previous visits was harder than I expected. I spent a lot of evenings ordering takeout and watching Netflix alone.
Here I was in this beautiful city of Lisbon, with so much to explore, and no one to explore it with. Sure, I did many things alone, and at times there was pleasure in the quiet reflection. But there was sadness, too. I tried to date to stave off the isolation, but that just led to wasting time on a man who wasn’t up to my standards out of loneliness. It’s hard to attract from a place of weakness.
By the fall of that year, I realized the focus had to be on me. I plunged into a new job, started taking pottery classes, learning Portuguese, and attending meetups. It was in a meetup group for board game enthusiasts that I started making new friends. In the months that followed, a few friends grew to a dozen, and Lisbon didn’t seem so lonely. By this point, I realized it is not the culture that shocks us, but the need to start over again.
When I went through another battle with depression in 2024, I wasn’t alone anymore. My friends were here to support me and help me through a difficult time. Having someone who can come over and be with you when you are at your lowest is something that EVERYONE needs, irrespective of where they live.
And so I will switch now, from storytelling to advice-giving. Here are four cups that need filling, no matter where you are (but especially if you’re away from your family) to secure your mental health.
Four Cups to Fill for Well-Being
- Family
Family is our point of recharge when we need it. This may or may not be your actual blood relatives, but regardless, you need a tight community around you. If you’ve recently moved abroad, focus on building your “family away from home” first. Here are some places to start:
- Join a class. It can be a language class, a martial arts class, or whatever tickles your fancy. But make sure it’s something you attend every week.
- Meet other people who recently moved to this new location. These people are going through the same experience as you, and it will be easy to bond over it. They are also less likely to have a lot of local friends and will be eager to make new ones. (Meetup.com is a great resource for this in Lisbon. Facebook groups are also a great tool.)
- Make local friends, too. Having a good mix of foreign and local friends will make your experience more rewarding. Finding local friends can be as simple as joining a language exchange or volunteering. In most cities I’ve lived in, I have met kind local people willing to help me learn more about their country. So don’t be afraid to talk to someone with a friendly face at your coffee shop or dog park.
Now these are just your starting points. Once you’ve identified a few people who are kind and interested in spending time with you, cultivate those friendships. Spend quality time together. Offer them help when you can. Say yes to new experiences. Real friendships do take time to build, but you will find that some people are more receptive than others. So embrace the people who are appearing and reappearing in your life and let go of the ones who are not.
Lastly, once you feel these friendships start to solidify, let these folks know that they are your tribe and they mean the world to you. Appreciate and cherish them. Hold space for them when they are down. Let them share their medical x-rays with you in a WhatsApp group that you keep just as an emotional check-in space. (Yes, that’s a personal reference but also something I highly recommend!).
We cannot survive without family, but family can be cultivated no matter where you are.
- Career
A job will pay your bills. A job you love will feed your soul.
I understand that being able to pay those bills is a top priority. We need the stability of work and income to prevent major stressors in life. If you are in a place where you have a job but don’t feel valued at it or you don’t feel excited to do it everyday, I invite you to take the initiative to look for something else. It is a time-consuming task, and it won’t happen overnight, but it’s also a defining part of who you are and how you feel about yourself.
Ask yourself this question: I am proud of the work that I am doing?
When you are proud of the work you are doing, you feel excited to tell others about it. I’m not saying it needs to make you jump for joy, but it you find yourself saying, “Well, it’s a job,” then know that you are not living up to your full potential. When you live up to your potential, you radiate. And when you radiate, you attract.
While I won’t go into how to find the right career in this post, I will relate it to these other cups. When your career cup is full – meaning you feel good about the contribution you are making to society – you can more easily suffer the spills that may occur from those other ones (and vice versa).
- Self Care
Your only real responsibility on any given day is to take care of yourself. Feed and nurture yourself. Tend to your daily tasks. In moments of depression, self care can feel like an uphill battle. So rather than go to into a speech about getting enough exercise and meditating, I’m going to keep this very simple. The most important piece of self care you need to have self compassion.
Go easy on yourself. If you took a shower this morning, congratulations! Life is fucking hard. Be proud of every tiny thing you accomplish, especially when you’re sad. And be proud of yourself for feeling that sadness, too. It’s part of being human and growing.
Once you allow yourself some self-compassion, other aspects of self care are more obtainable.
- Romantic Love
I’ve saved this one for last because it is the most precarious! I believe it’s even more precarious when you are new in town. There are more opportunities to meet the wrong person and “fall in love” too soon. Romantic love is often sought to fill a void. If we find a partner quickly, then we have someone to do all the things we want to do with. The problems arise some months (or years) later when we realize we haven’t given enough attention to those other cups.
Romantic love is a beautiful part of the human experience, but it’s not the only part. Before we can achieve it in a lasting way, we have to be in a state of genuine well-being and self-awareness.
Easier said than done. I’ve made mistakes in this department, as most of us have. But I’ve learned from those mistakes, too. When you have a strong support system in place – family, community, connections – you won’t be as tempted to stay in the wrong relationship. And when you have a life you are genuinely proud of, with healthy living and a good career, your confidence grows. Confident people are more discerning. Discerning people have dogs ;). Haha.
Sociology vs. Psychology
A psychological approach focuses on the individual, a sociological approach focuses on the collective. In the past, I have beaten myself up at times for not being 100% okay on my own. I’ve thought, “I’m a strong person, why can’t I handle this?” But whether it’s Ram Dass or Tara Brach or a dose of mushrooms that make you realize it – We all thrive on human connection and need it to survive. We are all a part of the same ecosystem. I find that reminding myself of this makes going through tough times much easier.
On that note, I will share a beautiful talk between Forrest Hanson and Dr. Ross Ellenhorn on The Being Well Podcast that moved me. It’s an insightful look at why we struggle to change, even when we want to. Dr. Ellenhorn highlights that anxiety is not a sign of brokenness but a “symbol of your struggle regarding autonomy.”
But I’m getting a little off-topic now ;). Let’s reign it back in.
Culture Shock Isn’t the Biggest Shock Anymore
As cultures become more homogenous and moving abroad becomes commonplace, the biggest shock we have as expats isn’t always cultural. (Espeically when moving to foreigner-rich cities like Lisbon.) Our healthy integration into a new society depends more on our ability to fill our cups in our new home.
I hope this rant provided some insights. If you have questions about life in Lisbon, feel free to ask me in the comments.
Globetrotting Gal 
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